Ma Maven | The Mom Without A Manual

Finding love as a single mom is possible.

When you’re a single mom your heart longs to find that one person in the world who will love and accept you and all that comes along with being in a relationship with you. That means your child or children. You may have heard the cliche saying as a single mom that you are a package deal. Which you are. Dating as a mother can be very difficult but when someone captivates your heart the next big step is captivating your child’s (or children’s) heart as well.

In my experience before meeting my now-husband, I’ve dated people who knew that I was a mother but they never really inquired about my child. They just knew he wasn’t around when we would hang out and I took note of that. Don’t get me wrong there were some who thought that I was desperate and would jump to the idea of having them be a stepfather. I took note of that as well. I can now say that none of those relationships worked out for me for one reason or another.

At one point in my life, I had gained the understanding that when a parent goes through a break up the children feel the heartbreak as well. So I didn’t try to force anyone to “play family” with us. Nor did I think I should do a test run to see how well the two meshed. I knew that as I’m going through the motions trying to figure out this person’s character and their intentions for our relationship, my son was going to become familiar the more he was around this man. He was going to learn this person’s name, familiarize himself with their personality, and ultimately try to become comfortable with the idea that this person was going to be in our lives. So I wanted to be absolutely sure that whoever I brought him around was solid. I wanted to be confident in knowing that my son could fully trust that he will be safe with this person. And that this man would care for him like my son was his own child.

Dating during the “Netflix and chill” era was gruesome, to say the least. If you even want to call it dating. To avoid the trauma of serial situationships I found it necessary to focus on myself, my spirituality, and my son.

I enjoyed my own company.

It is often said to take yourself out on dates. Just you, no friends, and no potential suitors on the line. If I’m honest this practice started at home. I lived alone with my son but was co-parenting so outside of work, I had a lot of time to myself. It was tempting to invite someone over just for the company. Not just somebody I was interested in but a friend or even a family member. I had to get out of the habit of always having someone around. So I started to do things like cook small meals for myself and sing along to one of my favorite Doris Day movies. I would go shopping for little things that would make my home more comfortable for just me. Like a really cozy blanket that I could snuggle on the couch with and a candle that made my one-bedroom apartment smell like shower freshness. At the time the running joke was if you had a collection of candles you were a certified cat lady. And I had me a few candles. After a while, I had implemented such a solid self-care routine to the point where I eventually found myself grabbing a table for one at my favorite eatery; Noodles and Company.

I was intentional with my child.

As a single mom, you may find yourself ripping and running up and down the highway going to work, going to school, dropping off your child (or children) with the other parent, grandparents, friend, or a sitter. Then back around the world to your original destination. With all of that back and forth with your children in tow, it’s easy to make the assumption that you are spending time with them because they are always there with you.

After I began religiously doing my self-care routines I realized that there needed to be some mommy and me time as well. On my days off of work, I would take my son for walks and talk to him about the things that he liked. Which for my one-year-old at the time, our quality time mostly consisted of collecting rocks and him picking flowers for me to put in my hair. And since I was using my stove more I felt I had to prepare our colorful Ikea dinnerwear and sit at the kiddie table with him. Honestly, this helped me to not be ashamed of being a single mother because I enjoyed getting to know my son. In my world, nothing was more important.

Doing these things not only created a friendship between my son and I, but it built up my self-confidence and showed me OUR worth. At the time I did not realize my implementation of intentionality had created the culture that my son and I would someday engraft my future husband into. Once I met a guy who had also seen our worth, who was not afraid of all the responsibilities he would assume while being with me. One who truly seemed genuine, the three of us did these activities together in group settings which helped my son become comfortable with my now-husband.

That was when I began to talk to my son about what our life would look like with this person in it. Even if he did not quite understand. Now that he’s older he recalls the day “We” got married.

In future posts, I plan to share more about my transition from being a single mom of one to a married mom of 3. My husband and I host a podcast together called About This Love where we share our courting experience and love story. Feel free to tune in on Google Podcasts, Spotify, or iTunes if you’re interested in the details.

Make sure you share this blog with another mom who’s out there momming it without a manual.