Ma Maven | The Mom Without A Manual

When I first received the news that I was with a child I never imagined him growing up in a home away from my home. You see similar storylines in books and movies all the time and think to yourself, “You see that? They’re sending their children off to boarding school, or to another state/ country to live forever with someone else. Crazy?!”. You don’t necessarily think the sad fairytale would become your reality. Then here comes the complexities of life and BOOM here I am part-time parenting with another human across the state.

Most people refer to the lifestyle as co-parenting or sharing joint custody. If you’ve tuned in to any of my videos on YouTube or have followed my social media you would have gathered that I am no stranger to this way of living. Though there is nothing to boast about I want to shed some light on the ups and downs of part-time parenting.

How do I begin to parent from a different zip code?

If you are also someone who shares their child’s time with another person who is not in the same home, then I do not have to explain how difficult it is to raise a child ( or children) who is not constantly with you. This journey is not easy by no means, especially if you two do not share the same outlook on life.

I cringe at the numerous amount times I hear, “You guys just need to be on the same page for the betterment of your child.”. I had learned that even two people in the same home who have many similarities can parent differently. Imagine how much harder things are to parent a child you do not see or speak to daily.

I’m here to tell you that we never agree on every single thing. Couple it with the fact that we could be at odds because of emotions, or not knowing the other person’s view on the situation and there you go. Discord in the parenting genre.

When it comes to your child you may feel like you are making up for lost time or cleaning up the other parent’s mistakes. Your feelings feel valid because you just don’t know what’s going on at another’s home, what your kid has been doing, or what they are facing because you cannot be there to see it. There had been many times when I have wished that I could be a button on my son’s coat so I can see and know what’s happening.

I’ve had to learn to let go a little bit. Not saying let go fully of all my God-given authority because I do want to continue to be a sound piece advocating for my child. What I’m letting go of is trying to know every single detail of my child’s life when he’s not in my presence.

I may never know what he has experienced unless something comes of a situation. I’ve remained prayerful throughout not knowing. I don’t have to see what my son’s room looks like, what he is wearing, or what he eats every day. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to know. I would love to see it. I can only hope that the standards and care are on par with the ones we have in our home. However, once I began to understand that we have two different cultures in our home, we have two different sets of rules by which we operate, and that we’re two different people, I relaxed. Just a bit though.

Feelings Don’t Go Away

I’ve realized no matter how far the distance or amount of children I have, the feeling still remains the same. A part of me is missing. There have been times when I’ve tried to forget about it. Yet because of my humanity, the feelings linger. I had to stop retracing my steps as I ask myself, “How did this happen? How did I get here?”. By doing that so much time gets lost and it’s easy to miss out on the joy that I have when I am with my baby because I wasn’t focused on the moment I was in. With extending much patience and grace, not only to my child but also to the other parent, when it’s time to interface it becomes better and the emotions are not so heightened.

To My Younger Self

If I was to see my younger self at the beginning of this journey of motherhood knowing what I know now, I would go up to her and tell her that there will be some hard days soon ahead. There would be some lonely nights too. That there will be some heartbreaking moments you will never want to live out again but you would have not given up. And because of your tenacity, there will be plenty of days full of laughter and love. Your appreciation for time spent with your little one will grow your heart. The patience and love you have for another will grow 10 times the capacity you have now.